Beat The Clock

I just watched a documentary about being a Mod and various other British Youth cults.

As much as I like some of the art and people that come from these subcultures, I personally could never sign myself up and be a member.

It all just seemed so limited, shoehorning yourself into a way of life. In a way its not a universe away from joining the army – men often need that feeling of being in a gang, a movement and creating some sense of purpose.. Which is usually fake , once you get out a pen ,paper and ontological microscope to study it .

All, that said , it became clear to me the other day , that if pressed I would have to admit the philosophy , look , feel and art of the Beat movement was something I related to hugely, as a teen. In fact I only let go of its hand about 12 years ago – I’m aware to be “hip” you have to pretend you are above the Beats and see through them, you have to say you much prefer the French Left Bank writers and that, frankly, you think On The Road is childish boys games. Such is life.

I guess, “Beat” is something you is or isn’t there isn’t much you can do about it. Bit like being homosexual in a way.

To be “Beat”, isn’t about going on a gap year before going on to Uni or touring Europe or America when you are in your teens/early 20s (as romantic as that is) and then living in London or NY city for the rest of your days…..A provincialist with a city a view form your kitchen window.

Nope, to be “Beat” is to be a full time adventurer (the art is a byproduct of that) ..Movement is premaritally forward and there isn’t anything you can do about it.

The end

Seattle Blue Collar Stories

Last day of working with Seattle’s blue-collar ..Before returning to the land of remote administration Have to say it was an amusing mix of On The Buses, Mind Your Language and Tucker Carlson

These people, EVERY day, on EVERY break, would trash any left-leaning idea while showing they live in the land of total conspiracy-this is coming from someone who is critical of the modern “left”

I haven’t worked with “everyday people” for a while and to my horror found a number of white folk in the US now speak as if they are making Twatter updates- that’s to say a series of short rants in place of actual conversation.

One man, Mr Bombay was so anti-Muslim and Pro-Trump , every time he spoke I heard “ Thou doth Protest too much “

Another guy, Mr Hong Kong, was truly lost to the land of Youtube conspiracy theories. One day, swat team vans sped by, he said, more than once “ That’s the Democrats trying to take our guns away” – ie this is a pretend event to scare Americans to give up guns.

Then we had Mr Polish and his Tommy Robson rants – he ( like a number of Tommy’s lot) was deeply against homosexuality, which confirmed what I always thought when certain gays show “firm” support for Tommy, believe me if it was up to this lot the gays would be not too far under the Muslims on their “ Rid the country of… “ list.

Speaking of which there were one or two decent People I met, Mr BeardedQueen,. 26 and recently married. He had a fondness for mushrooms and was funny and Win, a 21-year-old student from Vietnam. Win, is 6ft and teenage thin, with flawless Asian skin and trendy jet black side-parted hair. His family owns three homes in SF and a nightclub in ‘Nam. He said, “ That is their money, I must make my own”. He also said, one day, he may create a site called “Winbay” ….. Which for some reason I found hilarious

In all, it was kinda scary to see, how far the tentacles of lies reach into the publics mindsI actually half-expected , one of the workers to come to work with a machine gun and spray bullets into our bodies

The conversation- With Van The Bus Driver

V “Are you veggie or vegan? ‘

Me ” I am veggie, yes..And I would be vegan if not for ice cream and Cadburys chocolate”

V “I thought you might be,” giggling.
“Bro, I don’t know how you lot do it ….Bro, I fuckin’ love meat ‘

Me, ignoring the reason for his giggles, I say
“Well, I’ve been veggie
For 26 years. However, I’m not in the veggie militia. I don’t judge people on these matters “

V ” Yes, you do seem chill and live and let live. im also live and let live, bro “

Me ” Live and let live?…Apart from when you want a meal that is? “

(Van, didn’t get it)

Van ” Bro, Do you mind if people eat meat in front of you?”

Me “I’d rather people didn’t, if it’s at all possible

It’s not that I’m trying to be awkward, it’s just that after so many years of not eating meat, watching someone eat a Sunday roast isn’t that dissimilar from a scene from Ruggero Deodato’s Cannibal Holocaust.. But again, im not trying to be a bother, if the dinner party are all happy eating Elizabeth Warren
the family bitch more than content to take my ” veggie option” and sit with Larry, the family cat, in the garden

Van ” BRO, I don’t eat dog. lol, Bro.
Not 💯 but for the most part I source my meat from ethically sourced farms that I’ve visited or raised myself.”

Me “Quite, I think Jeffrey Dahmer: souced and visited his meat “

(Van, didn’t get it )

The end

Fairweather Friends

I was never really into Friends BUT I wasn’t a Friends hater , it was what it was ..Well meaning, well crafted light entertainment. Anyway, the cast break up and go out into the show biz world…Some surviving better than others

The decades pass..Now suddenly along comes a “Reunion” show for HBO MAX. To many this is an exciting moment, Friends was hugely successful and birthed millions of hardcore fans.

However, as science states, every action causes a reaction..Thus, to counter the ocean of love for the show, comes an ice age of hate. The reason given, for not meeting todays moral, social standards and. of course, the examples they give are so daft..

“Chandler Kept being worried about being gay” – they say this shows he was anti gay . Fine, in 2021 that kinda storyline MAY border on using “gay” in a pejorative way.

But I say, so what .. .Do we all have to want to be gay now? Do we have to pretend some people who are gay would rather not be gay and do we have to pretend, Hetero males aren’t at times, comically terrified of becoming gay. These are facts of life, its better to laugh at them that to pretend you are more emotionally sophisticated than we are

It has been argued that pop culture has become SO gay , its completely shallow and lacking. . I don’t fully agree with that BUT there is room for agreement in aspects. More than that though and this is whats worrying me..

The show wasn’t being homophobic in the least,It was anti being anti gay, the joke WAS ON Chandlers character for being so up tight and worried about being gay..THAT WAS THE JOKE Even 8 year olds in the 90s, saw this was a joke .. The fact adults don’t is scary.

WE live in idiot Times

Green Card – A short story long

In 2016 my wife and I decided enough is enough and fled the UK We did so with an embarrassment of funds.
In fact all we had was 3 months rent paid and 3k, 1.5k of which had to be used on a visa application
On top of that , we arrived with no jobs and ONLY my Wife could legally work for the first 5 months.

Not one immigration forum or lawyer ( some of which wanted over 10k) thought I would get a green card, due to a light police charge with a serious drug, in the 90s.

Basically, the stack was stacked against us .
Thus, I worked illegally and came up with a plan based on delay.
The trouble with this was I couldn’t leave the country and employers didn’t want to risk employing someone who’s visa needed to be reviewed each year .

This was fine for the first few years, I was living (at last) under a Hockney blue Californian sky, why go anywhere else?
However, after 4 years being on house arrest, even if the house is the whole of the USA , I needed to force immigration’s hand and so I did and they replied by denying my visa (Prats!)

Even though the denial was part of the plan, by this time I was pandemic tied, worn out and depressed, basically I thought “ Sod this”…

Suddenly comes the sound of trumpets and from stage left in flies Cross Reference Krissy (my Wife) ….
Krissy, who until this point hadn’t had anything to do with the visa application, beyond signing a few forms,.took over.
Amazingly, she managed to find a lawyer for FREE who agreed with my legal assertion and agreed to represent me.
Mainly the lawyer (and Krissy) did this by taking my files and said legal assertion and stripping my statements of an air of a pompous, mental patient and putting it all in a more professional legal setting

Only 4 months after having my application denied, an email arrived stating they had changed their mind and they are granting me a Green Card

And so it was… When my Wife and I decided enough is enough, tc🙄🙄🙄ime to give America a go.😪There’s been a speeding disaster so we’ll go 🔙cqqqf🔙 theqf motorway🤤

At last I feel free…

The Bridge to Magnolia

Yesterday, I had to brave the elements to go to the post office.
It was due to an ebay item I was meant to post. I had been putting this off, thinking I don’t want to risk my life for a mere $30 ..However, although the buyer was very nice about the situation, I did think 4 weeks is long enough and I didn’t want to smear my 100% ebay rating…

So, I set off to the Post Office in wealthy , healthy Magnolia.
As its a Peninsula, to get there I had to walk over a Bridge..
As I was doing this, I kept thinking a hateful village sherif was going to pull over with cruel sirens and angry tires to hassle me and ask me to turn back from the cozy village back to the wilderness of Upper Queen Anne. Just like what happened to John Rambo in First Blood- dear reader, I should stop to point out, before my wife tells me off, Upper Queen Anne, is actually rather upper middle class, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, there was no sherif about to drive me out of town and put me in jail if I tried to return- this was lucky as I wasn’t a vietnam vet, so I probably wouldn’t have been able to escape like John Rambo did … That said I had watched Tenko a few times, so who knows

Once I got to Magnolia, I discovered the Post Office queuing system meant you had to wait until someone comes out of the Post Office, until you could go in…. The trouble is one gets bored so you read a book or go on your phone.. This means you can miss when sone one walks out.. Which I did yesterday..
The women behind me shouted “GO ON, YOUR TURN”
So, I said “Bloody Nora, keep your wig on”… Which in England can be amusing, in a retro saying kind of way.. However, it didn’t translate in America and I thought she may call the police.
The end


Regarding Woody

Most people , probably, wouldn’t want to order this first quarter of 2020 , if it was a menu option
In fact , I wouldn’t be surprised if the masses demand we re do this whole year .
The entire world will get together and pretend this was just a collective nightmare, that vanished as soon as we awoke into our new “do over” year,- like the famous season long, Bobby Ewing, dream sequence in Dallas.
This would also be handy if you are 21 and want to stay 21 for a year longer, it would be helpful if you were on death row and due to go to the electric chair this year. Although, granted this would be a nuisance if you had to reschedule your Dignitas appointment.

For me, apart from January, I always hate January, this year has been nice. Yes, Covid-19 is frightening and heartbreaking,.. However, it has meant I can work remotely and not have to share an elevator with people who’s total number of tattoos is greater than their IQ score- life is a game of give and take.

One of the delights of this year, so far, as far as I’m concerned, is that Woody Allen’s autobiography was, finally, released and what can I tell you, it’s brilliant, utterly hilarious .

I remember, the fantastic, Victoria Wood once said that Woody Allen had become ashamed he was ever funny, he now just wanted to be a “serious” dramatist. Apart from being not true , it implies Woody had stopped being funny
You only had to watch a number of his films, around the time Victoria said this and beyond, to see it wasn’t true.
This book is further proof that the Woody Allen of old, is pretty much the Woody Allen of the present.
In a way, it’s, almost, impossible for Woody not to be amusing, as his humour is based around his philosophy on life and the many abusdaties that imbue it and flow from it.

It’s the reason he has such a loyal core fan base, which since I first discovered him in my teens I have been a part of, if you “get” Woody, if you are a fan, its largely, due to having a shared view of the world.

“There was no trauma in my life, no awful thing that occurred and turned me from a smiling, freckle-faced lad with a fishing pole and pantaloons into a chronically dissatisfied lout. My own speculation centers around the fact that at five or so, I became aware of mortality and figured, uh-oh, this is not what I signed on for. I had never agreed to be finite. If you don’t mind, I’d like my money back.”

Woody Allen

I say all this, as if you buy, borrow or steal, the book you won’t be let down. The book over spills with “it’s funny because it’s true” observations and Samurai sword sharp quips .

He is, also, open hearted, at least for Woody, discussing his parents, his loves, his likes and his loathes. As well as taking us through his relationships- of course, he gives his side of the story regarding Mia, her children and his wife, Soon Yi as well.

“I helped her get work in TV when she moved to the city. We had no secrets, we were closer than family. This extreme and pleasurable closeness continued decade after decade until I sued her.”

Woody Allen

“But the arguments we had over free will and monads, while heated, were never as combatative as the ones we had over our marriage. I knew I was in trouble when, in one philosophical discussion, Harlene proved I didn’t exist.”


Anyway, if it doesn’t sell out, the book should be available, at most, closed for Covid-19 book stores, as well as with the usual online sellers

For what it’s worth, going by the evidence he gives and from what I’ve read in the past, I can’t help but think Woody is innocent and I can’t help but feel Mia’s greatest acting achievement (even greater than her brilliant performance in Rosemarys Baby ) is her ability to fool people into thinking she should be anywhere which isn’t a Psychiatric Hospital .

I will leave the last word to Woody himself

“As much as we whine and moan and insist, often quite persuasively, that life is a pointless nightmare of suffering and tears, if a man suddenly entered the room with a knife to kill us, we instantly react. We grab him and fight with every ounce of our energy to disarm him and survive. (Personally, I run.)”

Woody Allen

“All that I ask is my ashes be scattered close to a pharmacy.”

Woody Allen


Cats life..

People dying, people not able to pay rent due to being laid off.. Canceled, this and closed down that..

However, I have to say, I feel sorry for the world’s cats.. Who are used to having the sunny spot on the bed to themselves, all day.. Able to glide around each room undisturbed.. The whole home their playground..

Now they have to endure being picked up and kissed every two minutes by a human, who won’t stop talking and whom is, seemingly, surgically attached to their smelly, biscuit crumb coated pyjamas. Who never leaves the house.
“what the hell has happened to my life” they must think.

Poor Kitty cats of the world.

The Visitor- Raccoon About Town

The other evening, I was about to walk up the stairs to the garden.. When I saw movement..
The silhouette wasn’t human or cat, dog or any of the usual beings that sit or flit about the place.

Thus, I prepared myself to make a fast escape in case the being was either a bloodthirsty beast or a ghost from 1915 who had returned to complain about our choice of soft furnishings.

However, when the creature turned and the light lite up its face.. I saw that it was the famous masked fur ball, Rocky Racoon or at least one of his Zorro masked relatives.

I had never seen a raccoon in real life before.. This one wasn’t scared of me, at all.. We just stood looking at each other in a amused manner.

Two nights later, Mr Racoon decided to break into our trash and throw it around the garden.. I take it from this course of action either I offended Mr Racoon and this was his unruly form of protest.. Or he had found someones “stash” in the bushes, got high and partied.

The end

I know when to go out , I know when to stay in

A few weeks ago I had my first experience of an earthquake. Actually, there were two Earthquakes in the same week. The first one was around 6.4 on the ricka scale and the other was 7.1.
I actually didn’t know the first one was an earthquake, as it happened when I was sat at my desk listening to Skeeter Davis and watching old 50s film clip on YouTube, I could hear people outside my apartment walking around so I just thought it was an overweight person walking past and making the building vibrate but the vibrations went on a bit too long and became a bit too strong …..People on social media then confirmed it was indeed an earthquake.

The second one happened while my wife and I were watching the telly show Stranger Things in bed (my wife is a fan of the show) … That one was very strong and quite scary, during the shake of the quake I had a flashback of every disaster movie I ever watched and thought ” I may die”. The next speeding thought was “Well, If I’m gonna die, I may as well die in bed.” which was in turn followed by “Although I’d rather not die watching Stranger Things, It could at least be Murder She Wrote.”

A week later there was a health warning sent out. The air quality was classed as “Dangerous”. On hearing about this my poor Mum said ” what kind of place have you moved to… It’s like you are living in the end of days”

She had point…

It’s worrying that in 2019 knowing what we know about the environment the air should be allowed to get to such dangerous levels, especially in such an affluent modern city.
That said, it’s not surprising… LA is a place where people talk about the health benefits of a plant-based diet, just before sticking 4 grams of coke up their nose…LA is a place that has multi-million dollar houses in the same street as people living in cars and tents…LA is a place where they talk about giving free health care to illegal immigrants while defunding social care for citizens…LA is a place where there are peaceful protests one day and shootings at supermarkets the next

I like the place though, it’s a lovely place to live, for a while. The scenery, in places, is remarkable…The sunsets and blue skies are beautiful, not to mention the links to pop culture are fun and many.
However, the air quality is a worry…It’s not top of most peoples wishlist, to have a future, where to stay alive you have to match your Plimsolls with a portable breathing apparatuses..

Due to this and the city having a higher number of the pathologically shallow people than any other city in the world (even more than Brighton in the UK ) my wife and I have been thinking of moving .. During one discussion my wife said ” LA is like someone you go out with for sex when you are young. You know it’s going nowhere but its fun for a while”.

I smiled and nodded then went in the next room and thought 1. I never went out with someone merely for sex and 2. Maybe my wife used to be a “loose woman” .

The next sign, that maybe it’s time to embrace another adventure and move is right outside our apartment a number of condos are being built.
We used to have a great view of Los Angeles including the Hollywood Hills. This is now ruined by this obnoxious building- It seems that responsible civic planning is not a priority around these parts
I noticed an elderly Mexican lady, who lives nearby, looking at the condos being built in dismay and went out to have gossip.
The lady doesn’t speak any English and I don’t speak any Spanish, Thus, we communicated via hand signals and the raising and creasing of eyebrows Admittedly this isn’t the method of communication advised by either the British consulate or the Lonely Planet or Rough Guide books.. However, we get by.. One of the plus points in this communication method is it’s impossible to slip a lyric by Lil’ Kim in the conversation .. Knowing this makes me feel more secure in my daily interactions.

The end